On a TRIP!

So here I am... On a trip to my old home town... For a week or so.
Right now, it is 7:38am... I haven't sleep at all. Went clubbing tonight with buncha people and my first love. It was great seeing him. No hard feelings or sadness, just a good feeling. I had mucho fun!... until the after "party". So nobody else wanted to go furthermore and drink. Since I didn't have ride or whatever, I decided to go with the ## boys, and we headed to my first love's house. I met his girl. It sucked. haha oh well. Well this was not what I wanted to talk about.
This blog is still about him,..... HIM! you know. I kinda miss him.... Or I DO miss him... It's sad. Even though I'm this far away from him, and got all these things to distract me, I am still sad and missing him. I really wish he would just write SOMETHING, ANYTHING to me. It would make my whole trip wayyyyyyyyyy much better than this. I am suffering from lack of sleep and such a depression. I can't believe I am going back to my gay life. I just hate everything right now. I thought I would have so much fun here but look at me, waiting for my bestie for 2 hours in the lobby that my first love is sleeping with his gf. UGH what a trip right. Our NY trip is over too now. SUCKS. All this makes me miss him more and more. Talking to him would make my days SO MUCH BETTER! I am so stupid... for missing him like this. ugh this is just driving me crazy right now. I hate all of this so much! I hate my life right now. I kinda miss church and my loved ones back in my "home". My life is miserable right now, but i gotta enjoy every moment of it. Or at least try to, because this is once in a lifetime thing right???? There's no way I can get a holiday week off again like this from my TWO jobs. UGH!

I miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him.

LOTS OF THINGS HAPPENED!

Well, I don't even know where to start talking about.... It's been 3 weeks last I wrote here.
So thought that night would be last night I'm crying for him... and thought I could let him go .. you know.
But guess what, I met him and we did and blah blah. Hmmm after that night, I dont remember when but we met up and we had fun. Then I woke up the night we were sleeping together, and I saw his phone and I started going though his phone. I was telling myself not to, but I did anyway. Couldn't help it.
So there was texts...........him talking to two other girls. TWO. With one girl, they even kissed. And he asked for a "recent pic" from her. WOW. And then with the other girl, he watched movie. The movie that me and him were supposed to watch together. Breaking Dawn. It just broke my heart.... I just read all the convos they had. He called those girls boo, cakes, baby, blah blah... all the sweet things. I just..... lost my mind.... He never said those words to me., But now that I think of, I'm glad he didn't, because those words don't mean a thing to me now... They are just empty, flirty, slutty words that they use for one another, unless it is from my "boyfriend" (whoever that will EVER be). Anyways, so then I just blanked out. I got dressed, and left the house. While I was driving back home, I guess I would say I was kind of glad I found all that out that night. Now I just know I was just a "toy" he has been using. I'm just a girl he could "have fun" with. Tsk tsk.... this is all I said to myself. But then I didn't cry. I laughed at myself the whole time. It was just too shocking for me to just take it in. Actually, I think it was cuz I kind of "knew" he was doing things with other girls. I didn't trust him 100%. Maybe he wasn't sleeping around, but I knew I wasn't the only girl.............. UGH.
So then I texted him a LONG message and then he did and he just apologized and told me that he is leaving soon and that he couldn't have a complicated relationship when he leaves to Korea and all. I understood him. I know he is hurt and he is HEARTBROKEN BIG  TIME. So I told him I do understand him and that he is way better than anybody else and he has a big heart and that he is not this kind of a bad guy. He is just forcing himself to be this. He really shouldn't do this to himself. Just cuz of one girl that he can't or doesn't want to take back.... I know he was IN LOVE but he can't do this to himself... I just pity him so much.. Well not in a bad way.. But i just wanted to be with him and make him forget and fix his heart..... But I guess I'm not the one who could do that. :(
I just want him to be happy... I don't know why... I just see BIG PAIN in his eyes... I want him to be a better man than this. He is too kind and sweet to be this bad........

Anyways, so last weekend, I got drunk a little and he texted me.... saying he was coming to his friend's house and he is all alone... He talked like he cared where I was and who I was with. But I was too drunk to even think about what he did to me.... Then I said or texted him I missed him and wanted to see him. And then he was like you should come over............................... Then he called me... and we talked on the phone for an hour.... about I don't even know.. just stuff and I kind of mentioned about the girls that he talks to. But he promised that he kissing and movie was the only thing he did with those girls........... I could have mentioned lots about the texts if I wasn't drunk, but I just let it all go and BELIEVED him :( Then I went to where he was....... SO STUPID. We watched movie and then laid down............ and then I stared crying while he was in the bathroom.....I just hated myself for just being there. I was so happy that I saw him cuz I DID miss him.,.. But I KNEW I WAS JUST THE TOY....... after all that, how can I be so stupid and just walk right up to that apartment again? I JUST CRIED CRIED CRIED.... Don't know if he knew or not but I was just sleeping on the couch and he came behind me and hugged me and laid down there for a bit.. It felt so good... :( and then I calmed down,.... then he just moved to the other sofa. HAHA I just got hypnotized by him..... Everything that has to do with him makes me go dumb, and forget about all the things he did to me.......... Why am I so stupid..............
So that is that. He hasn't text ever since Saturday.... Today is Wednesday. Great right. I'm just SO smart for making myself be like this. I cried when I was at the gym balling....... I just miss him and hate him at the same time......... I just want to be there for him........ Why is it so hard to fix someone? I just want to be the one who can fix him........... I guess it won't happen..........All I can wish is that he will be better person when he finds "the one" who can change his heart... I wish him the very best. From the bottom of my heart.!

Crying....

So today, I texted him asking what he was doing, after two days of not writing or contacting him. Neither did he. And after few hours, he says "going to volume". A club. He did not tell me anything about coming down to Seattle and partying up here. Well I kinda knew he was up in Seattle even yesterday, Saturday, because he hadn't contact me. I just knew it. So I just gave away my pride on waiting on guys to text me and texted him today myself. Even after receiving that message, I decided to not to reply him and just straight go to Volume. I just wanted to see him..... I was so nervous and debating about if I should go or not. But i did anyway. When I was dancing, he came up to me and just hugged and danced for 30 seconds, and left out to smoke. He just didn't .... seem... right. Soooo "hundii". And the whooooooooole time, he was standing back with his friends and watching people dance. I just danced, danced, danced, and danced. Kind of hoping he would come and grab my hand but I knew he wouldn't. So I just tried to act normal and danced! But my mind was all on him and thinking about where he would be or if he is watching me or not. I just wanted to be CRAZY and dance all night! I just couldn't handle the feeling i was getting. I just missed him so much. He also said I could dance with guys, when I was pushing everyone who came up to me to dance. Well I didn't want to, ok? sheeesh. How am I gonna dance with them when he is there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the club ended, and I went out acting as if I'm not looking for him but I was. Deff! But he had already left....Without even telling me.... It was ok till then. Because I was expecting that, too. But then there comes the message from him saying " It was nice seeing you tonight ajuma :)" Wow. Just broke my heart. Straight into ten thousand pieces. My friend was talking about her ex outside of the club, but I could barely hear a thing she was saying... All I could think about was that text. That's all he could say to me. After all this time....... REALLY? Nice seeing you??????
So then I got his point. He doesn't want this anymore. He just ended it tonight. Completely. Well.... what do i think about it? good and bad. I cried all night.. In my car, on my bed, while writing this. I, somehow, don't blame him for doing this though. I get it. He is hungover still and he is having a hard time, and such a busy man and doesn't need relationship. Thus, I won't blame him. I don't. I'm just crying cuz................well............ I'm sad.. I feel like some part of me had gotten cut away or something. I feel like I lost someone very precious to me. I feel verrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy sad.... That is why i'm crying... I think... I don't even know... I just wanna cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's just killing me inside... I can't even breath right. When I think about the future, like tomorrow, the day after, and the day after, I can't imagine living with this feeling.... Hope time will heal everything.... I just want to get out of this bs. I want to start thinking and worrying about something else.
Oh and top of this, my boss got mad at me today for not being at work. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH double negative feeling is just killing me. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH i feel like he will fire me someday :(
Anyways, I can't sleep.... Well I haven't try doing that yet but energy drink is killing me. My heart beating so fast and I have energy!!!!!!!! how am I gonna wake up tomorrow :*( gotta go to school, bank, work! ughhhh just shoot me. Seriously. But I ain't ready for death,                 yet.

LONG TIME!

Well I totally forgot about this blog thing for a whileeeeee. It's been almost a week im sure. Well anyways, i do not feel good today again, so here i am to open up my BRAIN! lol It's the same reason and been one right?
I was just waiting for his text all day today but received none. I actually called him earlier, but he didn't even pick up. And then I check my facebook, and he is there on the chat section. Whether he was on his phone, or computer, he was able to see my missed call. But he doesn't even bother to call or text. Oh well. I feel like shit but not because he is not texting me or calling me. Just because I am so sick of men right now. They are all the frigging same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well before him, my exes were way better. I didn't think bar guys were like this. I am never gonna find any other guys from a bar anymore. All they want is SEX.
Do you know why i think that? because whenever we meet and have fun, we always end up doing it. I don't hang out with him to do it. I do it because he wants to do it and i just can't say no to him....I'm afraid he'll leave me.... See? How stupid do I sound right now? ughh i'm just glad nobody's gonna read this.
Anyways, so every guys i met and talked from the bars and clubs, they all wanted sex. That's it. They are not relationship type and not trustworthy. Well, what did I expect, right?
I shouldn't even have started this party life. I should have just kept my wild-self inside and never should have came outta my cage. Now that I have tasted this, I cannot go back.. I will eventually... one day... but for now, i just wanna go have fun and drink since me and him are not working out well. IF we ever do get together, as a bf and gf, then I can devote myself to him forever. I could never cheat on him. Well they say never say never right? but I just couldn't do that.  I wouldn't even go out to clubs and bars without him. What is the point of going out there alone if you are not looking for a guy right? But anywasssssssssssssss we are never gonna get together. So F this.
The other day, one of his friend asked us when are we ever gonna start going out. I LOVED that question and I loved that his friend asked that. Thank you! lol but the funny part is that we both didn't answer. We just kept quiet. Since I know he doesn't want to, and he knows I would do anything to get with him, I didn't wanna pressure him so I didn't say anything. I wanted to say "It depends on the person who does not want to get into relationships" and point at him. But I didn't want to put him on the spot. I just regret that we both didn't say anythng.
See? he does so many things that would hurt me, but I still am hungover him. Why am i so stupid? I think girls just fall too fast and easily. I am not this type of girl. I never fell this fast and hungover someone like this.

Maybe I'm just too lonely... I just need someone to be there for me and be with me and share me with me. LOL But I been thinking about why I like him so much and came to a conclusion that I kind of pity him... Not sure if this is the right word to use.. But I really do want to be there for him. He is so hungover his ex and he was just too in love with her and I can tell. I really can feel it. Literally. I don't know if I would let him go smiling, if they ever do get back (just saying), but I definitely want to be the one to go through this with him. I want to be the one who is beside him through all this. And he can't even let me help him. I get it, you don't want to be in a relationship, but pushing me away like this doesn't help anything at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just wanna scream! ugh.

I just miss him. I want to hear his voice and just BE with him. It's funny how whenever we are together, we barely get to talk, and then when we are separate, i think of so many things i wanna ask him and talk to him about. It just drives me crazy. Whenever I'm near him, I get stuck and just feel dumb. I make mistakes, and get so shy! I am not that shy...... ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hate it! I wish he was mine, so I can text him whenever and call whenever :)
Anyways, enough about my "never will come true" wish. I just have to sleep through this every night until he leaves. This is my second night staying up late. I hate this feeling :*(


Somebody just shoot me.

Rather have him gone far away!

Man, I really hate this feeling. I wanna talk to someone about it but i just can't... I miss him so much. I wanna talk to him. But guess what, he wouldn't even reply to my texts or fb messages. Really??!!! is that how you are pushing me away? Ughhh i sound so stupid and desperate. Maybe I am.  FUDGE IT!.
I gave him so much already...in a month! hahahahahahahahaha funny. I don't know why i am like this... over a guy that i met recently... a guy who doesn't even want to have anything to do with me.... a guy who is not ever gonna be mine... a guy who is still not over his ex ex... a guy who is never gonna forget her.... a guy who still loves her..... I don't hate him for that. I feel bad for him. Poor him... He is in deep deep love... I wish I could do something to help him go back with her but he says he doesn't want to and he won't. But I can hear it in his voice that he WANTS to ... deep deep down inside....
Anyways, IM SO PISSED AT HIM for pushing me away like this right now.... no reply at all? just so funny. So frustrating! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I don't know what to feel anymore... I've been mad, sad, depressed, disappointed, sick and hurt. Now I am left with nothing. I just gotta forget him.. sooner or later... EDsdfialjwea;ocsdilkjni;fahsudkfab.wdzchblisxhfds

WOMM

So this title WOMM means What's On My Mind. Whenever I write this as the title, I am writing about what is on my mind. Obviously. Lol


Right now, I feel like killing someone.
LOL JOKE!
I just don't really feel good. I've been like this for the last one and half month. Well the reason a girl is sad or down or emo or depressed is mostly because of a GUY. So I am just like the other typical girls, troubling with a guy. This "X" guy ( it is not the letter his name starts with. just wanted to put something different than putting the first letter of the person you are writing about. lol) and I are not couples, dating or anything. Just ... like... umm i dont even know what to call us. Or is there even a "us". It used to be so much better when we first met and started talking... He was sweet, nice, funny, charming , beyond everything. But he just... changed after two or three times we met and had fun together. He is actually my first older ( or oldest from my past X's) and a party guy that I am seeing or having a thing with. So it was all new to me..... I did not know how to talk, flirt, do, think, say every time. But every thing felt so good at first. He made my day and night whenver we talked on the phone or texted. I had those butterflies in my stomach and all.
But guess what. He ain't the same anymore. Well I actually kinda knew he didn't want to start anything with me. He is just having too much trouble with his ex and I do understand that and I could deal with it. I wanted to heal him. But he said he couldn't. So i guess that was it.
That is not really the problem, too. He is leaving far away for a "personal reason" and I was just heartbroken. It's been a week that I heard about him leaving and EVER SINCE THEN he was not the same anymore. Just sooooooooooooooooooooooooo different and off. He just didn't want to get attached, he said to me. But is that really the only reason? I think not. He is just another player who was just 'having fun'. I wouldn't really call him player or a heartbreaker, because I think I see the "true self" deep deep down inside him. He got the "warm heart" that not a lotta guys have. He is way beyond those guys. I just see so much in him. That is the only way i fell for him. Every one around me are saying that a guy you met at a bar ( oh yes, we did meet at a bar) will not last or it is just a one night thing, or he will break your heart, or don't get too attached. But as we talked more and more each day, i fell for him and everything he says makes him look more like "the" man.
Ugh maybe I'm just wrong. I can't believe I am saying all this here.
I just wanted to share how I felt every day since we first met. He is not a "texter" so I was going crazyyyyyyyyyyy when he didn't text me back or text me at all for one day. Just one text saying "good morning" would've made my WHOLE day. But he wasn't that type of a guy. Maybe older guys don't do that? I don't know. But anyways, he just doesn't or didn't care I guess.
I am not tryna say he is bad or tryna make him sound like a bad guy! He is amazing the way he is. I just wanted to get this all out. It makes me crazy when I hold all this in. I tell my close friends about my stuff and what's going through my mind. Not EVERYTHING though. I am very insecure. I am scared of what they will say to me or judge me. Or maybe I'm afraid of hearing "he aint the right one". Because I know it. He isn't.

Well anyways, I miss him today. He hasn't text me at all but it was all expected. He never does anymore. So I feel very crappy and emo. Lol I will be going to work in an hour but don't feel like working at all! Just having to deal with customers HAPPY when I feel like s***! I just miss him.... Miss talking to him.... Miss his voice... I feel stupid for feeling this though... a month? really? ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh just shoot me.

LETS DO THIS.

So I'm starting this blog today, 10-10-11, cuz i feel like writing down my feelings, thoughts and everything that is going through my mind and life. Since I am not such an open person, I want to write everything down and just open up anytime. I think this blog thing is Anonymous right? It better be. lol Let's see how long this will last and how much i will keep myself busy with this thing. I get moody so easily and every time I do, I can't be telling it or posting it on fb all the time right? I used to, but now it looks or sounds so dumb. It's like public to everyone and everyone will be like YOU'RE SO EMO, and GET A LIFE and all you know, haha so I just need somewhere to open up my heart and just let it out..... It's ok if no one reads it, or don't comment it but I just want to let it out. It'd be nice to have someone read and answer my posts, but I don't want it to be someone I KNOW. It would be too embarrassing for meee ;p lol
Well this was just an introduction so I will end it here. I want to get something out but on my next post :)