WOMM

So this title WOMM means What's On My Mind. Whenever I write this as the title, I am writing about what is on my mind. Obviously. Lol


Right now, I feel like killing someone.
LOL JOKE!
I just don't really feel good. I've been like this for the last one and half month. Well the reason a girl is sad or down or emo or depressed is mostly because of a GUY. So I am just like the other typical girls, troubling with a guy. This "X" guy ( it is not the letter his name starts with. just wanted to put something different than putting the first letter of the person you are writing about. lol) and I are not couples, dating or anything. Just ... like... umm i dont even know what to call us. Or is there even a "us". It used to be so much better when we first met and started talking... He was sweet, nice, funny, charming , beyond everything. But he just... changed after two or three times we met and had fun together. He is actually my first older ( or oldest from my past X's) and a party guy that I am seeing or having a thing with. So it was all new to me..... I did not know how to talk, flirt, do, think, say every time. But every thing felt so good at first. He made my day and night whenver we talked on the phone or texted. I had those butterflies in my stomach and all.
But guess what. He ain't the same anymore. Well I actually kinda knew he didn't want to start anything with me. He is just having too much trouble with his ex and I do understand that and I could deal with it. I wanted to heal him. But he said he couldn't. So i guess that was it.
That is not really the problem, too. He is leaving far away for a "personal reason" and I was just heartbroken. It's been a week that I heard about him leaving and EVER SINCE THEN he was not the same anymore. Just sooooooooooooooooooooooooo different and off. He just didn't want to get attached, he said to me. But is that really the only reason? I think not. He is just another player who was just 'having fun'. I wouldn't really call him player or a heartbreaker, because I think I see the "true self" deep deep down inside him. He got the "warm heart" that not a lotta guys have. He is way beyond those guys. I just see so much in him. That is the only way i fell for him. Every one around me are saying that a guy you met at a bar ( oh yes, we did meet at a bar) will not last or it is just a one night thing, or he will break your heart, or don't get too attached. But as we talked more and more each day, i fell for him and everything he says makes him look more like "the" man.
Ugh maybe I'm just wrong. I can't believe I am saying all this here.
I just wanted to share how I felt every day since we first met. He is not a "texter" so I was going crazyyyyyyyyyyy when he didn't text me back or text me at all for one day. Just one text saying "good morning" would've made my WHOLE day. But he wasn't that type of a guy. Maybe older guys don't do that? I don't know. But anyways, he just doesn't or didn't care I guess.
I am not tryna say he is bad or tryna make him sound like a bad guy! He is amazing the way he is. I just wanted to get this all out. It makes me crazy when I hold all this in. I tell my close friends about my stuff and what's going through my mind. Not EVERYTHING though. I am very insecure. I am scared of what they will say to me or judge me. Or maybe I'm afraid of hearing "he aint the right one". Because I know it. He isn't.

Well anyways, I miss him today. He hasn't text me at all but it was all expected. He never does anymore. So I feel very crappy and emo. Lol I will be going to work in an hour but don't feel like working at all! Just having to deal with customers HAPPY when I feel like s***! I just miss him.... Miss talking to him.... Miss his voice... I feel stupid for feeling this though... a month? really? ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh just shoot me.