So here I am... On a trip to my old home town... For a week or so.
Right now, it is 7:38am... I haven't sleep at all. Went clubbing tonight with buncha people and my first love. It was great seeing him. No hard feelings or sadness, just a good feeling. I had mucho fun!... until the after "party". So nobody else wanted to go furthermore and drink. Since I didn't have ride or whatever, I decided to go with the ## boys, and we headed to my first love's house. I met his girl. It sucked. haha oh well. Well this was not what I wanted to talk about.
This blog is still about him,..... HIM! you know. I kinda miss him.... Or I DO miss him... It's sad. Even though I'm this far away from him, and got all these things to distract me, I am still sad and missing him. I really wish he would just write SOMETHING, ANYTHING to me. It would make my whole trip wayyyyyyyyyy much better than this. I am suffering from lack of sleep and such a depression. I can't believe I am going back to my gay life. I just hate everything right now. I thought I would have so much fun here but look at me, waiting for my bestie for 2 hours in the lobby that my first love is sleeping with his gf. UGH what a trip right. Our NY trip is over too now. SUCKS. All this makes me miss him more and more. Talking to him would make my days SO MUCH BETTER! I am so stupid... for missing him like this. ugh this is just driving me crazy right now. I hate all of this so much! I hate my life right now. I kinda miss church and my loved ones back in my "home". My life is miserable right now, but i gotta enjoy every moment of it. Or at least try to, because this is once in a lifetime thing right???? There's no way I can get a holiday week off again like this from my TWO jobs. UGH!
I miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
LOTS OF THINGS HAPPENED!
Well, I don't even know where to start talking about.... It's been 3 weeks last I wrote here.
So thought that night would be last night I'm crying for him... and thought I could let him go .. you know.
But guess what, I met him and we did and blah blah. Hmmm after that night, I dont remember when but we met up and we had fun. Then I woke up the night we were sleeping together, and I saw his phone and I started going though his phone. I was telling myself not to, but I did anyway. Couldn't help it.
So there was texts...........him talking to two other girls. TWO. With one girl, they even kissed. And he asked for a "recent pic" from her. WOW. And then with the other girl, he watched movie. The movie that me and him were supposed to watch together. Breaking Dawn. It just broke my heart.... I just read all the convos they had. He called those girls boo, cakes, baby, blah blah... all the sweet things. I just..... lost my mind.... He never said those words to me., But now that I think of, I'm glad he didn't, because those words don't mean a thing to me now... They are just empty, flirty, slutty words that they use for one another, unless it is from my "boyfriend" (whoever that will EVER be). Anyways, so then I just blanked out. I got dressed, and left the house. While I was driving back home, I guess I would say I was kind of glad I found all that out that night. Now I just know I was just a "toy" he has been using. I'm just a girl he could "have fun" with. Tsk tsk.... this is all I said to myself. But then I didn't cry. I laughed at myself the whole time. It was just too shocking for me to just take it in. Actually, I think it was cuz I kind of "knew" he was doing things with other girls. I didn't trust him 100%. Maybe he wasn't sleeping around, but I knew I wasn't the only girl.............. UGH.
So then I texted him a LONG message and then he did and he just apologized and told me that he is leaving soon and that he couldn't have a complicated relationship when he leaves to Korea and all. I understood him. I know he is hurt and he is HEARTBROKEN BIG TIME. So I told him I do understand him and that he is way better than anybody else and he has a big heart and that he is not this kind of a bad guy. He is just forcing himself to be this. He really shouldn't do this to himself. Just cuz of one girl that he can't or doesn't want to take back.... I know he was IN LOVE but he can't do this to himself... I just pity him so much.. Well not in a bad way.. But i just wanted to be with him and make him forget and fix his heart..... But I guess I'm not the one who could do that. :(
I just want him to be happy... I don't know why... I just see BIG PAIN in his eyes... I want him to be a better man than this. He is too kind and sweet to be this bad........
Anyways, so last weekend, I got drunk a little and he texted me.... saying he was coming to his friend's house and he is all alone... He talked like he cared where I was and who I was with. But I was too drunk to even think about what he did to me.... Then I said or texted him I missed him and wanted to see him. And then he was like you should come over............................... Then he called me... and we talked on the phone for an hour.... about I don't even know.. just stuff and I kind of mentioned about the girls that he talks to. But he promised that he kissing and movie was the only thing he did with those girls........... I could have mentioned lots about the texts if I wasn't drunk, but I just let it all go and BELIEVED him :( Then I went to where he was....... SO STUPID. We watched movie and then laid down............ and then I stared crying while he was in the bathroom.....I just hated myself for just being there. I was so happy that I saw him cuz I DID miss him.,.. But I KNEW I WAS JUST THE TOY....... after all that, how can I be so stupid and just walk right up to that apartment again? I JUST CRIED CRIED CRIED.... Don't know if he knew or not but I was just sleeping on the couch and he came behind me and hugged me and laid down there for a bit.. It felt so good... :( and then I calmed down,.... then he just moved to the other sofa. HAHA I just got hypnotized by him..... Everything that has to do with him makes me go dumb, and forget about all the things he did to me.......... Why am I so stupid..............
So that is that. He hasn't text ever since Saturday.... Today is Wednesday. Great right. I'm just SO smart for making myself be like this. I cried when I was at the gym balling....... I just miss him and hate him at the same time......... I just want to be there for him........ Why is it so hard to fix someone? I just want to be the one who can fix him........... I guess it won't happen..........All I can wish is that he will be better person when he finds "the one" who can change his heart... I wish him the very best. From the bottom of my heart.!
So thought that night would be last night I'm crying for him... and thought I could let him go .. you know.
But guess what, I met him and we did and blah blah. Hmmm after that night, I dont remember when but we met up and we had fun. Then I woke up the night we were sleeping together, and I saw his phone and I started going though his phone. I was telling myself not to, but I did anyway. Couldn't help it.
So there was texts...........him talking to two other girls. TWO. With one girl, they even kissed. And he asked for a "recent pic" from her. WOW. And then with the other girl, he watched movie. The movie that me and him were supposed to watch together. Breaking Dawn. It just broke my heart.... I just read all the convos they had. He called those girls boo, cakes, baby, blah blah... all the sweet things. I just..... lost my mind.... He never said those words to me., But now that I think of, I'm glad he didn't, because those words don't mean a thing to me now... They are just empty, flirty, slutty words that they use for one another, unless it is from my "boyfriend" (whoever that will EVER be). Anyways, so then I just blanked out. I got dressed, and left the house. While I was driving back home, I guess I would say I was kind of glad I found all that out that night. Now I just know I was just a "toy" he has been using. I'm just a girl he could "have fun" with. Tsk tsk.... this is all I said to myself. But then I didn't cry. I laughed at myself the whole time. It was just too shocking for me to just take it in. Actually, I think it was cuz I kind of "knew" he was doing things with other girls. I didn't trust him 100%. Maybe he wasn't sleeping around, but I knew I wasn't the only girl.............. UGH.
So then I texted him a LONG message and then he did and he just apologized and told me that he is leaving soon and that he couldn't have a complicated relationship when he leaves to Korea and all. I understood him. I know he is hurt and he is HEARTBROKEN BIG TIME. So I told him I do understand him and that he is way better than anybody else and he has a big heart and that he is not this kind of a bad guy. He is just forcing himself to be this. He really shouldn't do this to himself. Just cuz of one girl that he can't or doesn't want to take back.... I know he was IN LOVE but he can't do this to himself... I just pity him so much.. Well not in a bad way.. But i just wanted to be with him and make him forget and fix his heart..... But I guess I'm not the one who could do that. :(
I just want him to be happy... I don't know why... I just see BIG PAIN in his eyes... I want him to be a better man than this. He is too kind and sweet to be this bad........
Anyways, so last weekend, I got drunk a little and he texted me.... saying he was coming to his friend's house and he is all alone... He talked like he cared where I was and who I was with. But I was too drunk to even think about what he did to me.... Then I said or texted him I missed him and wanted to see him. And then he was like you should come over............................... Then he called me... and we talked on the phone for an hour.... about I don't even know.. just stuff and I kind of mentioned about the girls that he talks to. But he promised that he kissing and movie was the only thing he did with those girls........... I could have mentioned lots about the texts if I wasn't drunk, but I just let it all go and BELIEVED him :( Then I went to where he was....... SO STUPID. We watched movie and then laid down............ and then I stared crying while he was in the bathroom.....I just hated myself for just being there. I was so happy that I saw him cuz I DID miss him.,.. But I KNEW I WAS JUST THE TOY....... after all that, how can I be so stupid and just walk right up to that apartment again? I JUST CRIED CRIED CRIED.... Don't know if he knew or not but I was just sleeping on the couch and he came behind me and hugged me and laid down there for a bit.. It felt so good... :( and then I calmed down,.... then he just moved to the other sofa. HAHA I just got hypnotized by him..... Everything that has to do with him makes me go dumb, and forget about all the things he did to me.......... Why am I so stupid..............
So that is that. He hasn't text ever since Saturday.... Today is Wednesday. Great right. I'm just SO smart for making myself be like this. I cried when I was at the gym balling....... I just miss him and hate him at the same time......... I just want to be there for him........ Why is it so hard to fix someone? I just want to be the one who can fix him........... I guess it won't happen..........All I can wish is that he will be better person when he finds "the one" who can change his heart... I wish him the very best. From the bottom of my heart.!
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