LONG TIME!

Well I totally forgot about this blog thing for a whileeeeee. It's been almost a week im sure. Well anyways, i do not feel good today again, so here i am to open up my BRAIN! lol It's the same reason and been one right?
I was just waiting for his text all day today but received none. I actually called him earlier, but he didn't even pick up. And then I check my facebook, and he is there on the chat section. Whether he was on his phone, or computer, he was able to see my missed call. But he doesn't even bother to call or text. Oh well. I feel like shit but not because he is not texting me or calling me. Just because I am so sick of men right now. They are all the frigging same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well before him, my exes were way better. I didn't think bar guys were like this. I am never gonna find any other guys from a bar anymore. All they want is SEX.
Do you know why i think that? because whenever we meet and have fun, we always end up doing it. I don't hang out with him to do it. I do it because he wants to do it and i just can't say no to him....I'm afraid he'll leave me.... See? How stupid do I sound right now? ughh i'm just glad nobody's gonna read this.
Anyways, so every guys i met and talked from the bars and clubs, they all wanted sex. That's it. They are not relationship type and not trustworthy. Well, what did I expect, right?
I shouldn't even have started this party life. I should have just kept my wild-self inside and never should have came outta my cage. Now that I have tasted this, I cannot go back.. I will eventually... one day... but for now, i just wanna go have fun and drink since me and him are not working out well. IF we ever do get together, as a bf and gf, then I can devote myself to him forever. I could never cheat on him. Well they say never say never right? but I just couldn't do that.  I wouldn't even go out to clubs and bars without him. What is the point of going out there alone if you are not looking for a guy right? But anywasssssssssssssss we are never gonna get together. So F this.
The other day, one of his friend asked us when are we ever gonna start going out. I LOVED that question and I loved that his friend asked that. Thank you! lol but the funny part is that we both didn't answer. We just kept quiet. Since I know he doesn't want to, and he knows I would do anything to get with him, I didn't wanna pressure him so I didn't say anything. I wanted to say "It depends on the person who does not want to get into relationships" and point at him. But I didn't want to put him on the spot. I just regret that we both didn't say anythng.
See? he does so many things that would hurt me, but I still am hungover him. Why am i so stupid? I think girls just fall too fast and easily. I am not this type of girl. I never fell this fast and hungover someone like this.

Maybe I'm just too lonely... I just need someone to be there for me and be with me and share me with me. LOL But I been thinking about why I like him so much and came to a conclusion that I kind of pity him... Not sure if this is the right word to use.. But I really do want to be there for him. He is so hungover his ex and he was just too in love with her and I can tell. I really can feel it. Literally. I don't know if I would let him go smiling, if they ever do get back (just saying), but I definitely want to be the one to go through this with him. I want to be the one who is beside him through all this. And he can't even let me help him. I get it, you don't want to be in a relationship, but pushing me away like this doesn't help anything at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just wanna scream! ugh.

I just miss him. I want to hear his voice and just BE with him. It's funny how whenever we are together, we barely get to talk, and then when we are separate, i think of so many things i wanna ask him and talk to him about. It just drives me crazy. Whenever I'm near him, I get stuck and just feel dumb. I make mistakes, and get so shy! I am not that shy...... ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hate it! I wish he was mine, so I can text him whenever and call whenever :)
Anyways, enough about my "never will come true" wish. I just have to sleep through this every night until he leaves. This is my second night staying up late. I hate this feeling :*(


Somebody just shoot me.

Rather have him gone far away!

Man, I really hate this feeling. I wanna talk to someone about it but i just can't... I miss him so much. I wanna talk to him. But guess what, he wouldn't even reply to my texts or fb messages. Really??!!! is that how you are pushing me away? Ughhh i sound so stupid and desperate. Maybe I am.  FUDGE IT!.
I gave him so much already...in a month! hahahahahahahahaha funny. I don't know why i am like this... over a guy that i met recently... a guy who doesn't even want to have anything to do with me.... a guy who is not ever gonna be mine... a guy who is still not over his ex ex... a guy who is never gonna forget her.... a guy who still loves her..... I don't hate him for that. I feel bad for him. Poor him... He is in deep deep love... I wish I could do something to help him go back with her but he says he doesn't want to and he won't. But I can hear it in his voice that he WANTS to ... deep deep down inside....
Anyways, IM SO PISSED AT HIM for pushing me away like this right now.... no reply at all? just so funny. So frustrating! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I don't know what to feel anymore... I've been mad, sad, depressed, disappointed, sick and hurt. Now I am left with nothing. I just gotta forget him.. sooner or later... EDsdfialjwea;ocsdilkjni;fahsudkfab.wdzchblisxhfds

WOMM

So this title WOMM means What's On My Mind. Whenever I write this as the title, I am writing about what is on my mind. Obviously. Lol


Right now, I feel like killing someone.
LOL JOKE!
I just don't really feel good. I've been like this for the last one and half month. Well the reason a girl is sad or down or emo or depressed is mostly because of a GUY. So I am just like the other typical girls, troubling with a guy. This "X" guy ( it is not the letter his name starts with. just wanted to put something different than putting the first letter of the person you are writing about. lol) and I are not couples, dating or anything. Just ... like... umm i dont even know what to call us. Or is there even a "us". It used to be so much better when we first met and started talking... He was sweet, nice, funny, charming , beyond everything. But he just... changed after two or three times we met and had fun together. He is actually my first older ( or oldest from my past X's) and a party guy that I am seeing or having a thing with. So it was all new to me..... I did not know how to talk, flirt, do, think, say every time. But every thing felt so good at first. He made my day and night whenver we talked on the phone or texted. I had those butterflies in my stomach and all.
But guess what. He ain't the same anymore. Well I actually kinda knew he didn't want to start anything with me. He is just having too much trouble with his ex and I do understand that and I could deal with it. I wanted to heal him. But he said he couldn't. So i guess that was it.
That is not really the problem, too. He is leaving far away for a "personal reason" and I was just heartbroken. It's been a week that I heard about him leaving and EVER SINCE THEN he was not the same anymore. Just sooooooooooooooooooooooooo different and off. He just didn't want to get attached, he said to me. But is that really the only reason? I think not. He is just another player who was just 'having fun'. I wouldn't really call him player or a heartbreaker, because I think I see the "true self" deep deep down inside him. He got the "warm heart" that not a lotta guys have. He is way beyond those guys. I just see so much in him. That is the only way i fell for him. Every one around me are saying that a guy you met at a bar ( oh yes, we did meet at a bar) will not last or it is just a one night thing, or he will break your heart, or don't get too attached. But as we talked more and more each day, i fell for him and everything he says makes him look more like "the" man.
Ugh maybe I'm just wrong. I can't believe I am saying all this here.
I just wanted to share how I felt every day since we first met. He is not a "texter" so I was going crazyyyyyyyyyyy when he didn't text me back or text me at all for one day. Just one text saying "good morning" would've made my WHOLE day. But he wasn't that type of a guy. Maybe older guys don't do that? I don't know. But anyways, he just doesn't or didn't care I guess.
I am not tryna say he is bad or tryna make him sound like a bad guy! He is amazing the way he is. I just wanted to get this all out. It makes me crazy when I hold all this in. I tell my close friends about my stuff and what's going through my mind. Not EVERYTHING though. I am very insecure. I am scared of what they will say to me or judge me. Or maybe I'm afraid of hearing "he aint the right one". Because I know it. He isn't.

Well anyways, I miss him today. He hasn't text me at all but it was all expected. He never does anymore. So I feel very crappy and emo. Lol I will be going to work in an hour but don't feel like working at all! Just having to deal with customers HAPPY when I feel like s***! I just miss him.... Miss talking to him.... Miss his voice... I feel stupid for feeling this though... a month? really? ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh just shoot me.

LETS DO THIS.

So I'm starting this blog today, 10-10-11, cuz i feel like writing down my feelings, thoughts and everything that is going through my mind and life. Since I am not such an open person, I want to write everything down and just open up anytime. I think this blog thing is Anonymous right? It better be. lol Let's see how long this will last and how much i will keep myself busy with this thing. I get moody so easily and every time I do, I can't be telling it or posting it on fb all the time right? I used to, but now it looks or sounds so dumb. It's like public to everyone and everyone will be like YOU'RE SO EMO, and GET A LIFE and all you know, haha so I just need somewhere to open up my heart and just let it out..... It's ok if no one reads it, or don't comment it but I just want to let it out. It'd be nice to have someone read and answer my posts, but I don't want it to be someone I KNOW. It would be too embarrassing for meee ;p lol
Well this was just an introduction so I will end it here. I want to get something out but on my next post :)